Does your narrative sound anything like that of

Dawn & David's?

Dawn is in a relationship with David. Their relationship is filled with intense love but also periods of serious contempt. One day, Dawn has hope in the relationship, and the next day this short-lived dream is demolished by something David says or does. She often ponders about how her life can have such polar opposites. ‘How is it possible to love him so much and also hate him with the same intensity?’ she often asks herself.

On one particular evening, Dawn is driving home from work, feeling exhausted. She is excited and looking forward to taking a relaxing shower. She looks forward to telling David about an unbelievable feat she achieved at work.

She successfully takes a shower, but that is the only success she has this night.

While cuddling with David on the couch, every statement she makes is a struggle because he goes on and on about himself, and she feels as though he does not recognize her presence at all. Dawn begins to feel like an armrest. When she is finally able to tell him about the significant thing she achieved at work, he is not impressed. He minimizes her experience by telling her that her achievement is not as special as she is trying to make it seem. She is stunned! ‘How am I in a relationship with this man?’ she asks herself.

This is the constant struggle of being in a relationship with a narcissist. Although Dawn had great expectations, she believes that David ruined her evening. Now, Dawn is angry that he is stealing her moment as she tries to redirect him by pointing it out to him.

She tells him that in a relationship, partners should create time to listen to each other. She also tells him that he should have been thrilled about her achievement and should not have down-played it.

The train just jumped, the tracks folks. Dawn attempted to provide constructive criticism in an effort to get heard and obtain a pat on the back. However, as with narcissists, David reacts defensively and in an unyielding manner. He points out to Dawn that her achievement has flaws and that she should not be satisfied with anything less than perfection.

Dawn is not surprised anymore. She has lived with David acting uncomfortably when life is going smoothly, and he appears unnecessarily thrilled and excited whenever there is a crisis. She has never been able to understand that kind of behavior.

However, Dawn loves him anyway. According to her, David is almost selfless. He clings to her, almost to the point of obsession. He fears to be alone, and she can live with that. His neediness makes her feel secure.

But, with David, everything is just so checkered. He likes to be in control and simply hates being a failure.

One weekend, Dawn wakes up feeling excited and very happy. She thinks to herself ‘this is a great weekend for us to go out and have fun.’ Dawn then remembers that David finds it extremely hard to relax and have fun. This does not surprise her because he sometimes goes into this moderate narcissistic, self-loathing mode that causes her to feel numb, empty, and sad. She has tried all she can to lift his spirit, but the feeling just seems like a permanent part of him. In turn, the ability to lift her own spirit is also futile.

Dawn has trouble explaining how David's life is starting to affect her own. David never seems fulfilled and he is certainly not one to cheer her on when she needs moral support. Dawn thinks to herself, ‘How can he give moral support to someone else when he feels unfulfilled himself? I need to be there for him, he needs me.’

Nevertheless, she is starting to doubt the relationship and her place in it. Trust is not a part of this relationship. Dawn is not comfortable truly expressing how she feels, and she is never certain about how to respond to him. David uses word salads often. He uses lots of words when talking and never really answers questions directly. He uses the old wall of words strategically. Sometimes even the original topic is forgotten. Dawn has gotten used to the strained state of their relationship, and she is unsure if she should salvage it. Actually, living in a state of uncertainly has become the norm. At this point, she is unsure about everything. Dawn is not crazy, and she is not going insane. She is simply in a relationship with a narcissist.

Sound familiar? You are not crazy either.

There is hope. There is help.



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